From having 2 teachings jobs to none, minsan napapatanong na lang ako: have I been a bad teacher?

Parang hindi naman. Nanominate pa nga akong best teacher ng mga estudyante ko sa unang sem ko pa lang ng pagtuturo dito sa big school na ‘to. Hindi ko/natin deserve mawalan ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon. Napakadisposable lang din ng pagiging guro, gaya ng disposability at precarity na nararanasan ng mga manggagawa sa ganitong malakolonyal/malapyudal na sistema. 

Putangina ng sistema! Walang safety nets ang mga utaw, habang nagpapakasasa sa yaman itong mga damuhong stakeholders, kapitalista, etcetera, na ginawa nang negosyo ang edukasyon. 

Putangina talaga. 

6/15/2020
2:52 AM
 

Update on how I am recently: 

I’ve had to jobs during the beginning of the semester. And as much as I was tired, I was happy because I was making ends meet for my family. 

Now, it would seem as if I would have no job at all. I have recently resigned from my full-time job because of intensifying toxic work environment, salary delays, and new administrative directions I fully disagree with. As for my second part-time job, they have released a memo recently saying they’ll “freeze” engagements with contractuals for now. That means us, teachers. 

Lately, I’ve been having deep, down, times. My chest feels real heavy. I am beginning to understand now how emotions have physicality to them, and that the pains in my chest are real and physiological inasmuch as they are primarily affective in nature. 

I may be sliding to depressive moments here and there, and increasingly so, and I wish there were up-times, you know what I mean? Lately, my mother began being sick too. We were worried for two-days straight that it might be COVID19. Fortunately, on the third day, the symptoms began to dissipate, and she was feeling much better. 

I wish I could feel the same, with all the deep, down, drowning feelings that I’m feeling, brought by the illness, fear of imminent death, double joblesness, financial instability, bills to pay, loans to pay, impending State dictatorship here in the Philippines with the fascist anti-terror bill, injustices everywhere in the realm of race, sex, and gender. 

Depression is like a rabbit hole. And I strive not to sink into that hole.

6/15/2020
2:31 AM

There are nights when I feel insecure, and I feel as if people are talking negatively about me behind my back. Saying I’m arrogant, insensitive, and/or plainly intolerable.

Tonight is one of those nights. And inasmuch as I try to drown out these voices that claw on what I feel are my ears, nape, throat and temple, it’s just hard, man. Really hard. 

Feels good though to reuse this tumblr specifically for this reason of venting out to strangers, and/or even to no one at all. Can’t share these to my parents, to twitter, to facebook, even to my boyfriend, in fear that I may get too annoying. 

May alak pa bang mabibili ngayong disoras ng gabi?

5/26/2020
2 AM

It’s been four years since I last used you. May mga gumagamit pa ba sa’yo?

Mukhang marami nang cobwebs, anay, at alikabok dito. 

Tumblr has always been my safe space, where I could reblog and post shit when I was a teenager. 

Now, I have two jobs, huge responsibilities, a relatively crumbling mental state, an adult facade to maintain, and a family of elders to protect, all in the middle of a pandemic. 

Feels good to post thoughts here to total strangers. 

Hi! Hope you’re doing good.

5/16/2020
ca 11 PM

poetfrommanila:

I am a pebble small,
Lying on the road
By the wayside.
Lying on the road along
With scattered leaves
And footsteps going
To different windward
Directions. 

I am a pebble small,
Able to blind the eyes
With my minuteness.
Able to ruin the cogs 
Inside a machine.
Through time and dust
And through the accumulation
Of particles and elements 
Within me, someday I’ll be a rock.
More so I’ll be a boulder.
At most——a moving mountain.

April 21, 2016

poetfrommanila:

I am the feeling free
The breath of life as it rises
Up from the way of lungs
Up to the nose
Outside the windows.

I am the feeling free
The firmness of feet
On the window sill,
The kiss of air
On the landscape of body,
The free and freeing jump.

April 21, 2016

poetfrommanila:

You are the moon tonight
And all the light
Tonight implies.
Your body,
A full smoothness,
In pallid splendor spreads
Like the naked sky above, and
All I do

Is tremble.
This is beauty lust and tremor:
The makings of a world.

Dearest, now, don’t worry.
As I hover above you, and touch
And eat you,
Like a supple grape, the moon,
All they’ll see
Is shadow.

The makings of a world:
The dark and swallowing shadow.

6/1/2015
12:43 AM

sirxusblack:

What is human? An ability to reason? To imagine? To love or grieve? If so, we are more human than any human ever will be.